Episode 1:
Mushroom-Sausage-Cayenne Spaghetti
All right, motherfuckers, sit down, shut up, and welcome to Episode one of Poor Man's Kitchen.
Now, ask yourself: Why the fuck are you here? Are you poor and do you
have the cooking skills of a testicular tumor? Yeah? Good. The rest of
you, what. Just here to laugh at the poor man and his bumbling around
the kitchen trying to throw something together? Yeah? Well, sit the
fuck down and get the laugh train rolling.
All right, bitch, first thing's first: You're poor. You're so
motherfucking poor that you have to suck cock behind the Peking Palace
and then spit the jizz into a cup and sell THAT to them to use for
sauce. So you're going to have to improvise a little. Strainer? Fuck
no. More than one pot/pan? Get outta here. Timer? What the hell is
this, the Ritz?
So start off by filling your only pot about "meh"-full with water and
putting it on the stove to boil. Now come on back to your laptop and
tug your crotch to furry porn for about as long as it takes for the
damn thing to start rattling. Go check it. Yeah, it's not boiling, is
it? Hell no, the pot was rattling because your stove is uneven and shit
rattles around. You want it to boil faster? Well, see that pan over
there? Fucking cover your pot. You're welcome.
Come back to your laptop to find that the fun part's over, so out of
boredom go back to your water. Good Lord, it's boiling like a
sonofabitch now that you covered it. Take the pan off and dump the
spaghetti into it. Shit, the noodles are sticking halfway up out of the
pot? Well, get used to it, you're poor.
Time to set the timer - oh shit, dude, you don't HAVE a timer! So set
your alarm clock to 8 minutes from now. You want those noodles
al-fucking-dente. Just because you're poor doesn't mean you can't be a
classy motherfucker.
Now, that pan that your worthless ass used as a lid? Take it and fill
it to about "meh" level with water (no, not the same 'meh' you used in
the pot, dipshit. Get with it). Take your cheap-ass sausage out of the
fridge door and use your knife...oh, shit, no knife? Well, those
scissors that are over in the cup with the pencils? Oh fuck yes.
Scissor that bitch! But wait, without a cutting board, what are you
going to do? I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to cut
it up over a GROCERY SACK that you've laid flat on the counter and then
dump from that sack into the 'meh'-full pan. Brown it. Brown the fuck
out of it.
All you need is a spatula, right? Ha! Fuck no. You're going to use a
normal, everyday fucking fork to brown them. Hope you like your wrists
and hands covered in tiny, stinging burns. In fact, it'll help to yell
and curse at the sausage as it browns and burns your pathetic self.
"Yeah? That's just my hand. I've got another one, bitches. Bring it." This is about the point where it'll start hitting you in the face a couple of times. Stoic time.
Cocksucker! The alarm's going off! Get those fucking noodles off the
heat and put them into something else! Oh, shit, you don't have
anything else, do you? You're FUCKING POOR. Take the pot off of the
stove and put the whole damn thing in the sink. What's that, ass-clown?
The water's still about to 'meh' level? Well, get the strainer.
Ha! That's a joke. Your minimum-wage self can't afford a strainer. Just
dump the water in the sink, and pick the noodles out of the drain. It's
all good; you've eaten worse when you went dumpster-diving.
Those fucking sausages are done! Turn off the heat. Now, if only you
had a bowl to put them in. But you don't, do you? Damn right you don't,
you're motherfucking poor! Like the dipshit you are, grab the pan and
walk around looking for something to put the sausage in. Walk right
under the smoke detector with that steaming meat pile. Hear that
beeping? Fuck yeah, you just woke up the neighbors. Better drop the
sausage in the sink and scramble onto your table and mash that button
like nobody's business.
Back to the original problem. Oh, look at that. The glass of milk you
had earlier. Dump it out, rinse the cup, and put the sausage in there.
Yeah. Whatever. Now take your noodles, and dump them into the
motherfucking bowl that you forgot you had until this moment. Fuck
yeah, we've freed up a pot.
Noodles are done, meat's done. Time for the sauce. "Oh, snap, I bought
mushrooms for this!" Well, take a handful of them, and just rip them
apart with your filthy hands. (Yes, they are. I know where they've
been, you wanker.) Throw them into the pot, filling it to about 'meh'
level. Now the sauce. Take the jar of cheap-ass tomato paste that your
poor self could afford, turn it upside-down, and empty it onto the
mushrooms. Put it on the left front burner since you just don't give a
shit, motherfucker, and that's how you roll.
When the sauce starts bubbling like the tar pit you lost your mother
in, and getting all over your stove and fridge and bare chest (the true
man wanders about in his underwear), separate it from the heat and get
the fuck out of there. When it stops shitting things up in your
kitchen, spoon some of it onto your spaghetti bowl. Dump the cayenne
pepper sauce in (about two 'meh's should be good) before you do that
(ha, you already did, didn't you? Sucks to be you!) and eat.
What? Clean up? Oh, fuck you. That smoke detector's gone off three damn
times. Visibility in this dump is down. And the furry porn just
finished buffering. Fuck cleanup.
This has been Poor Man's Kitchen. Get the fuck out, now.
© Rubber Ducky 2010