From the Journals of SGT Pepper:

00l.  Who was the last person you cried in front of?

- God

002.  Do you miss someone?

- Now that you mention it, I haven't seen Death in a while.

003.  Think of your last two kisses. Were they with the same person?

- ... I think we all know the answer to that.

004.  Are you in a good mood right now?

- Note:  Signs I'm in a bad mood:  I choose to bastardize one of these survey-note-thingies.

005.  Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?

- Who's got time for feelings?

006.  What is your favorite number?

- (infinity)

007.  Do you talk a lot?

- Only to myself.

008.  Do you wear shoes in your house or take them off?

- Define "house."

009.  What is your favorite fruit?

- ... cherries... Aaaaaaah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!

010.  Do you dream in color or black and white?

- Black and white ARE colors, moron.

011.  What do you like most, sunrise or sunset?

- Sunset.  

012.  When you watch movies at home, do you like having the lights on or off?

- Off.

- I spent a long time trying to come up with something funny to write for those last two.

013.  When was the last time you were in a Wal-Mart?

- Legally or illegally?

014.  Who is the last person you drove with in a car?

- I don't drive.  I have a chauffeur.  His name is Scottie.

015.  What was the last thing someone borrowed from you?

- My spare ammo.  I expect those bullets back, Anderson.

016.  What color is the closest doorknob?

- Why?  Does it matter, RACIST?!

017.  Currently listening to anything?

- C.W. McCall's Greatest Hits.

018.  Have you ever sat on a rooftop and just stared at the stars?

- Once.  Got bored.  Killed raccoon.

019.  What was the last drink you had?

- The blood of my enemies.

020.  What's plugged into the nearest outlet?

- An odd looking contraption that prevents me from sleeping past 0600 every morning.  

021.  Do you get really sick during the winter?

- After being exposed to "Raples," I think I'm invincible.

022.  What's your favorite website?


023.  Do you need to clean your room?

- My room is inspection ready at all times... except on weekends.

024.  Favorite hair color on the opposite sex?

- Is "brunette" technically a color?  I don't remember "brunette" from my crayon box.

025.  What's the closest pink object to you?

- Apart from my skin, there's nothing pink anywhere near me.

026.  Are you hungry?

- Very hungry.  Hungry for Justice.

027.  Have you ever met a gay person?

- If I have, they've done me the courtesy of NOT telling me.

028.  Do you look like your siblings?

- Out of all four, only my full-blood brother and I really look alike.

029.  Any plans for tonight?

- Get this posted and bask in the glory of it never being seen by ANYONE.

030.  Ever go camping?

- Only if staking our a cave of terrorists counts.

031.  Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

- This survey.  Honestly, who writes this shit?

032.  Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?


033.  Do you know anyone that smokes weed?

- I can neither confirm nor deny.

034.  Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?

- ... for serious?  You ask that of ME?

035.  Are you a big fan of thunderstorms?

- HUGE fan.  Much easier to sneak up on the enemy.

036.  Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

- Story.  Of.  My.  LIFE.

037.  When will your next kiss be?

- What am I, a fuckin' psychic?

038.  Are you happy with your life?

- Not yet.  I won't be satisfied until I become the ultimate killing machine I know I'm capable of being.

039.  Have you ever given up on someone, but then went back to them later?

- Rules of the Revolution:






040.  Would you ever dye your hair blonde?

- My hair IS blonde.  At least, that's what they tell me.

041.  Have you ever kissed anyone with a tongue ring?

- I could have cut out this question, but I decided it'd be easier just to tell you that I thought about doing it instead of actually doing it.

042.  Who will you be with this Saturday night?

- Once again, not a psychic.

043.  Ever been told "you're going to die" by a professional doctor or someone around the lines of it?

- Oh, so many times.

044.  Are you an alcoholic?

- NO>

045.  Where is the last person you kissed?

- What is this, the psychic power-hour?

046.  Are you good at school?

- I didn't realize you could be "good" at school, like it's some kind of skill-set.  I always thought that it was more like "you get it or you don't."

047.  Forgive or forget?

- Neither.

048.  What's something you can't wait for?

- Do we really need to go over this?

049.  What woke you up this morning?

- The sounds of explosions and dying men... followed by my alarm clock.

050.  Is tomorrow going to be a good day?

- Define "good."

051.  Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

- Leading the 51st on its Final, Glorious assault on Times Square, smashing the last pocket of resistance on the eastern sea-board and securing my hold on the continent in one fell swoop.

052.  Would you rather talk on the phone or chat in IM?

- IM doesn't allow for changes in pitch, tone, volume, cadence, or voice inflection.  

053.  Do you listen to music every day?

- EVERYDAY.  The Navy way.

054.  What makes you mad?

- I think I could make answering this question into it's own note.

055.  How many piercings do you have?

- Three... if you count my most recent shrapnel wounds.

056.  Are you a morning person or a night person?

- Like most of the best hunters, I'm nocturnal by nature.

057.  Do you like someone?

- I hate everyone equally.

058.  Has a boy/ girl put their arm around you in the past five days?

- Yes.  Damn kid with an explosives vest tried givin' me the "death hug."  That kid's about 50 different kinds of fucked up by now.

059.  Anything you're giving up on?

- See above.

060.  Are you always happy?

- I'm only happy when I'm doing something useful for the Revolution. 

061.  Have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?

- No to the second; stone-cold death stare to the first.  If you ever see that look in my eyes, begin running.  Not that you'll get away, it just makes things more interesting for me.

062.  Should you be sleeping right now?

- Probably.  

063.  If you could go back 3 months and change something would you?

- Trust me, I've been confronted by different versions of me from alternate time-lines on multiple occasions.  By now, I'm pretty sure I'm the one that gets it right.

064.  Is there anybody that you trust 100%?

- Of course not.

065.  Where did you sleep last night?


066.  Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?

- Even better:  I DON'T SLEEP.

067.  What was the last DVD you watched?

- "The Spirit."

068.  Do you regret doing something today or yesterday?

- New rule of the Revolution:  NEVER REGRET.

069.  Are you slowly drifting away from someone?

- Probably.

070.  Are you getting closer to someone?

- It stands to reason that if there're 6 billion people on the planet, and I'm already drifting away from one of them, then I'd be drifting towards someone else by default, right?  That, or the popular theories about the shape of the Earth are drastically wrong.

071.  Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

- Not even I know everything about me.

072.  What were you doing at 7am?

- *snore*

073.  Do you know anyone who is pregnant?

- Yes.  Her Jew spawn will, no doubt, be the death of us all.

074.  Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?

- Is there a new quantitative way of defining "relationships" that I'm not aware of?  One that I can use to compare input to return?  No?  Well, come back when you perfect one.

075.  Do you believe exes can really ever be "just friends"?

- NO ONE can EVER be "Just Friends."

076.  Have you ever visioned your own wedding?

- Once again, something I could have cut, but decide to leave just because I'm lazy.

077.  What do you want to name your kids?

- Meat Loaf and Bon Jovi.

078.  What do you do when you had a bad day?

- Well, Simple Simon, when I "had" a bad day, I rag on people who fuck up basic grammar and spelling.

079.  What are you wearing on your feet?

- The Infamous "Man-dels".

080.  Do you make your bed every day?

- Every.  Frackin'.  Day.

081.  Have you made any mistakes recently?

- Of couse ont.  I do evryting prfct teh frts tme.

082.  What is your favorite subject in school right now?

- Really?  I get to choose?!  Oh, boy!

083.  Do your parents really know you?

- Even I don't know me.  Good luck to those poor people who try.

084.  Do you always get along with your siblings?

- Try never.

085.  Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?

- Don't we all?

086.  Most hurtful thing someone has said to you lately?

- "Baby-killer!"  Just kidding.  That one actually brings a rare grin to my face.

087.  Has someone told you they love you today?

- No.

088.  What time do you wake up in the morning?

- Ass-crack-of-dawn.

089.  Do you like the rain?

- Sure.  It masks the sounds of me creeping up on you with a garrote wire.

090.  Do you have a best friend?

- I DO.  He is, ironically, a Communists by ideology.

091.  Do you remember what you were like a year ago?

- Does it matter?

092.  Hows your heart lately?

- Doing much better since that nasty piece of shrapnel was removed.

093.  Are you shy?

- Only in front of attractive females.

094.  Are you talkative?

- See above: "Do you talk a lot?"  Who wrote this?

095.  Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?

- I never WANT piercings, but the enemy INSISTS on giving me more.

096.  How long can you go without your phone?

- Forever.

097.  Who last called you babe or baby?

- PFC Goodfree.  I killed him as an example to the rest.  RIP, dirt-bag.

098.  Do you swear in front of your parents?

- Do you really care?

099.  What would you do if your best friend told you they were moving?

- Ask him why he's quitting college if it's "the greatest thing ever."

100.  What pissed you off yesterday?

- <sarcasm>Not a thing!</sarcasm> 

101.  When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?

- Guilt is for the weak.

102.  How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?

- See above:  I'm not a psychic.

103.  Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

- In the last decade?  ... No.

104.  Do you still talk to the person you last kissed?

- Really?  Another kissing question?

105.  Does anyone hate you?

- Billions of someones.  Don't worry, I hate you, too.

106.  Has anyone ever called you scrumptious before?

- No.  I'm not considered to be "prime meat" by most cannibals.

107.  Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?

- I've seen this question at least twice before in one of these survey-things.  It only makes me wonder if this was written by a 12-year-old brat with a closet the size of the house I grew up in.

108.  Are you happy with life right now?

- A repeat?  Well, I refuse to cut it (because of my laziness).

109.  Are you currently jealous?

- Why?  Should I be?

110.  Have you ever had your heart broken?

- 12NOV08.  I was really hoping Ron Paul would make a miraculous come-back.  Too bad the major media outlets refused to cover him after he quit the main-stream side of the Republican party.

111.  Has someone ever told you that they would be with you forever?

- Yes... shortly before being blown-up by a stray artillery round.  I swear, I can still see him sometimes.  Fuckin' ghost.

112.  If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?

- Um... Pepper?  I'm a dude.  My name doesn't change.

113.  Were you happy when you woke up today?

- Waking up is the most depressing experience I go through on a daily basis.

114.  Do you find it hard to trust others?

- "Finding" would imply that I "try" to trust people.  Trying to trust is like trying to touch the sun.  It just doesn't happen.

115.  Have you ever in any way, been betrayed by someone you trust?

- Late 1850's & early 1860's.  Federal government imposes strict trading tariffs on all imports.  In retaliation, England and France stop buying cotton from the Southern states.  All in all, 11 states secede from the Union with a justifiable reason:  Economic rape endorsed by the Federal Government.  A war of attrition is waged; a war the Confederacy could never have hoped to win outright.  The powers of Europe consider helping the beleaguered South; they're convinced to remain neutral.  The Confederacy is defeated and reintegrated into the Union.  States Rights lose ground.  The private bankers of Wall Street win again.

116.  Do you believe what goes around comes around?

- If it doesn't, then karma is horse-shit.

117.  Do you feel uncomfortable around the opposite gender? If so, why?

- I will say "no" if it gets me out of writing more.

118.  Is there a person of the opposite gender who means a lot to you?

- Yes.

119.  What did you do today?

- What didn't I do today?  Oh, right.

120.  Who will you always love?

- My baby brother.  He's just a neat kid.

121.  Are you a jealous person?

- I'm jealous of anyone who doesn't fill these things out.

122.  What's the last compliment you received?

- I think it went something like this:  "If there's one person I'd place my absolute faith in to save us all, it'd be SGT Pepper."

123.  How tall is the last person you hugged?

- See above... and define "hug."

124.  What are your chances of getting with your crush?

- I actually have a quantifiable way of answering this:  0.

125.  Who was the last person to call you?

- People don't call me; I call people.  But not very often.

126.  Who was the last person who texted you?

- Ford.  I could have sworn we were supposed to wear blues on Monday...

127.  Do you hold grudges?

- With a passion.

128.  Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

- Um... the same person who last texted me.  I always get the last word.

129.  Did you go out to eat yesterday?

- Define "out."

130.  Are you in college?

- ... Aaaaaaah-hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!  College costs money, idiot.

131.  What is the last message you wrote?

- This is.

132.  How many teeth do you have?

- All of them.

133.  Ever had a cast for a broken bone?

- Casts are for the weak.  As are broken bones.

134.  Do you wear glasses?

- No, but I will.  There's no doubt about that.

135.  Favorite pen color?

- Red.  The color of blood.  "The red pen has no friends."

136.  Favorite card game?

- Texas Hold 'em and Five Card Draw.

137.  What are you doing right now?


138.  Favorite cookie?

- Oatmeal Raisin.

139.  Do you like llamas?

- More of an Alpaca guy, myself.

140.  Are you afraid of the dark?

- Of course not.  I'm afraid of what's IN the dark.

141.  When's the last time you had cake?

- When's the last time you got laid?

142.  How many texts are in your inbox?

- My phone's on the other side of my room.  There's no way I'm going all the way over there to check how many messages I was too lazy to delete from my inbox.

143.  When did your last hug take place?

- I'm starting to think that kid had a good reason for wanting to die... if he were filling out one of these things, that is.

144.  Who was the last person you talked to?

- Does it really matter?

145.  What's the first text in your inbox say?

- See above.  I'm not getting up.

146.  When was the last time you smiled?

- I honestly can't remember; my mind is so focused on how much this survey is starting to piss me off.

147.  Does anyone like you as more than a friend?

- What am I, a mind-reader?  I don't fucking know.

148.  Who was the first person you talked to today?

- Another REPEAT?  I swear to God, if this doesn't end soon...

149.  Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

- My therapist?  I don't fucking know.

150.  Are you a forgiving person?

- Question 150 and you haven't figured that out for yourself yet?

151.  What is something you really want right now?

- Does the Apocalypse mean anything to you?

152.  How many TRUE friends do you have?

- Is this the Dr. Phil show?

153.  How late did you stay up last night and why?

- What are you, my mother?  Jesus.

154.  Do you prefer to call or text?

- Call.  I've already covered that, Simple Simon.

155.  Who took your profile picture?

- ... I don't even know how to begin answering that.

156.  What is your ring tone?

- My phone is set to vibrate.  And, it's not capable of "ring tones."  Ah, the simplicity of Tracfone.

157.  Has anyone ever told you they were in love with you?


158.  When is the next time you will hug someone?

- For the fourth time (I think), I'm not a psychic.

159.  What are you doing this coming weekend?

- I don't know.  Why?  Is there something I should be doing?

160.  Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?

- I have no clue why that would matter.

161.  What does your last sent text say?

- "Shit."

162.  Are you crazy?

- Why would you ask the individual if they're crazy?  Crazy people don't think they're crazy, dumb-ass.

163.  Do you like to smile?

- Are you a fucking 6-year-old?!  It doesn't matter!

164.  Do you still turn to your parents for advice or comfort?

- No, but I'll bet you do.

165.  Who was the last person you had a phone conversation with for more than 5 minutes?

- My step-dad.  Today.  He and my younger step-brother are going to go check out one these Tax Day Tea Parties.

166.  How old will you be on your next birthday?

- Not old enough.

167.  Where is one place that you'd like to visit?

- Africa.  No, seriously.

168.  Who's the last person of the opposite sex you hugged?

- I swear, if I ever find you...

169.  What sport do you watch the most?

- War is technically a sport, right?  Good.

170.  Do you know anyone with the same name as you?

- Yeah.  My name's not nearly as rare as people think.

171.  What was the highlight of your week?

- Being done with this horse-shit survey.

© 2009 by SGT Pepper

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