Double bass pedals are bullshit.

How do I know?  I've used one. (Or would that be two?  See what I mean?)

I was riding with a friend the other day when I graciously decided to let him select some music to listen to.  I look over to see that he's got this shit-eating-grin on his face.  Next thing I know, my ears are being raped by his choice of HEAVY METAL.

Now, I'm a Metal fan.  I was pioneered by KISS, a band I happen to love; they rock 'n' roll all Goddamn night and party every single day.  But, I can't stand what will, from this point forward, be known as "Screamer Music."  Don't-make-me-puke-my-guts-out-PLEASE.  The lyrics are unintelligible (I call bullshit on anyone who claims they can understand what-the-fuck's being sung/screamed), the guitar is always a mess of too-fast, string-killing, "I'm-so-cool-because-I'm-destroying-my-own-eardrums" horse-shit, and from beginning to end, some ass-hole, high school drop-out is sitting on a trap-set, smashing away at the crash cymbals and playing NOTHING BUT STRAIGHT FUCKING EIGHTH NOTES ON A MOTHER-FUCKING DOUBLE BASS PEDAL.  Wow, you're really special.  Would you mind shutting-the-fuck-up before I have an aneurysm?

All Screamer music is pointless and shitty. 
Everyone who enjoys listening to it is mentally sick and should be shot, I'm afraid to say.  The songs all sound the same.  Why the hell would anyone want to listen to one track, much less an entire album of this bullshit?  No, belay my last, the word album is reserved for real music, not this garbage.

I can imagine the angry, malformed e-mails now.  "hey ashole, if ur so smarrt then rell us all wat REEL music is! eat a dick & die slow jerk"  Well, Simple Simon, real music is played with a drummer who isn't a retard.  What do retards do?  They use a fucking DOUBLE BASS PEDAL.

Let's examine some of the greats in drumming history, shall we?

Gene Krupa

Arguable one of the most influential drummers of the jazz/big band era.  Best known for his ball-stomping rhythm in the jazz classic "Sing, Sing, Sing".  Never used a double bass pedal.

Buddy Rich

One of the best known and most publicized drummers in history.  A friend of Sinatra and infamous (to me at least) for his drum-battle with Animal (the muppet).  No double bass pedal needed here either.

Ringo Starr

The Beatles' drummer.  Bad-Ass Mother-Fucker.  Didn't use a double bass to my knowledge.


I could go on, but I think I've made my point.  But, the story's not over yet.  Back to me:

So, my ass-hole friend is bobbing his head up and down like some kind of prehistoric bobble-head while I slowly massage my temples. 

"You mind?"
"Mind what?"
"Shutting this shit off, dumb-ass."
"Yes, I do mind."

So, how did I reconcile this disagreement?  You guessed it:  I Falcon-Punched that shit-eater in the fucking head.  Blood, brains, and little flecks of his skull went flying EVERYWHERE.  Then his car veered off the road, crashed into an orphanage, and burst into flames, killing 32 orphans and 2 nuns.

Glorious Victory.

The moral of this story?  Don't use a double bass pedal, or I'll fucking kill you.

© 2009 by SGT Pepper

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