25 MORE Random Things You DON'T Need to Know About Me

If you'll remember, I posted one of those infernal "25 Random/Weird/Quirky/Bullshit Things You DON'T Need to Know About Me" articles a few months ago in an effort to dissuade anyone from attempting to write one ever again.

Not the wisest decision I've ever made.

Since then I've seen the frequency and volume of these... THINGS... increase exponentially.  Maybe I wasn't clear in my first article?  I wanted to STOP the spread of this disease, not accelerate it (because, of course, me posting one is the only factor directly related to this outbreak).

So, what to do?  If you said, "Go on an epic killing spree," you would be wrong (this time).  I will give humanity one more chance to stop pissing me off.  Yes, you heard right, I'm showing a glimmer of something called "mercy."  I will again attempt to dissuade any further "25 Random Half-Facts" notes by writing ANOTHER of my own, kick-ass "25 Undeniably Awesome and Absolute Truths" articles.


01 -- I have music on my iPod that I've never listened to.

02 -- I used to make cryptic references to "The Glorious Revolution."  Not quite so cryptic anymore.  "JERICHO" has yet to be explained, though.  Even if you were part of the original concept team, it's changed so much since those dark days you'd never recognize it.

03 -- I can neither confirm nor deny.

04 -- I am, in matter of fact, NOT a "Hacker."  A hacker, by traditional definition, is anyone who manipulates a pre-existing code to suit their own purposes, such as accessing a secure system.  I don't mess with the code; I just steal it and re-purpose it to meet my own less-than-legitimate objectives, which makes me a "Pirate."

05 -- On a related note, if I were in command of one of those Somali Pirate crews, not even the most heavily armed war-ship in the world would stand a chance.  Sadly, an unfortunate language barrier prevents me from pursuing this option (for now).

06 -- I swear before God in Heaven, if my new workstation EVER gives me a Syntax error... I'm going to reformat every hard-drive in the shop and upgrade them to Mac OS X Version 10.5.6 and the rest of the fleet can deal with it.

07 -- There's a certain, special someone I think about at least once every-single-day, and they're not even aware of it:  ME.  Impossible?*

08 -- My phone doesn't take pictures, play music, access the internet, or play any fancy games; it makes calls and sends/receives text messages.  Weird, right?

09 -- Don't take your guns to town.

10 -- Was it necessary for me to purchase a 36" Flatscreen just to play video games on?  The answer to that question is an emphatic yes.  Yes, yes, yes, and more yes.

11 -- WoW is for nerds.  Oblivion (The Elder Scrolls IV) is for tight-wad completion-ists (like me).

12 -- I didn't think it was possible for something as small and meaningless as the way someone walks to piss me off, but there you have it.

13 -- Virginia is a swamp.  The whole state.  One, giant, mosquito-infested swamp.

14 -- Appointing one Justice to the Supreme Court does not mean that every privately owned fire-arm in the country is going to be confiscated... yet.  But, like a good game of Chess, the players must position their pieces correctly before making any decisive moves.  Mr. Obama has made his move.  What will yours be?

15 -- Is anything I've said so far even remotely true?

ANSWER:  I wouldn't shit you if you were my favorite turd.

16 -- I still have a guitar I don't know how to play.

17 -- I'm slowly learning the ins-and-outs of writing code, starting with HTML, php, and Javascript.  Hopefully, I can grasp that and move on to C++ or something else around that level.  I might even get as far as using a pure UNIX system... except I've heard it's easier to take over the world than to master UNIX.

18 -- There is no doubt in my mind that Miley Cyrus is the Devil Incarnate.

19 -- I'm all for abortion if that means there'll be less children in the world.  Noisy, obnoxious, filthy, little shits.  I fuckin' hate 'em.  What better time to get rid of them than when they can't run away?

20 -- Apparently, I'm a racist... and a terrorist... and a whole slew of other things, including a fraud.  It's gone as far as accusations of lying about being a "soldier."  Well, ass-hole, you're right, I'm not a "soldier", strictly speaking.  I am, however, a Sailor, which makes me 125,000 times better than you, so shut-your-fucking-mouth, sit-your-ass-down, and graduate high school before you piss-me-the-hell-off and I abort you.

21 -- I will, without fail, beat the next person that says anything resembling this into a coma:  KILLING = MURDER

22 -- If I'd known now what I knew then... wait...

23 -- Semper Fi; Do or Die; Kill, Kill, KILL!!!

24 -- Fuck Canada.  Seriously, what do they bring to the table as allies?  Mounties, Maple Syrup, and the world's most ridiculous accent.  Yeah, that'll solve our problems with Iran and North Korea, you conceited pricks.  Maybe you should try describing your national history to them.  They just might surrender out of boredom.

25 -- "Nobody's human."

There.  That should stem the tide.  If I see another "25" note after this article goes live, there'll be Hell to pay.  But, now I must sleep.

*Of course not.

© 2009 by SGT Pepper

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