All right, motherfuckers, sit down, shut up, and welcome to Episode one of Poor Man's Kitchen.

Now, ask yourself: Why the fuck are you here? Are you poor and do you have the cooking skills of a testicular tumor? Yeah? Good. The rest of you, what. Just here to laugh at the poor man and his bumbling around the kitchen trying to throw something together? Yeah? Well, sit the fuck down and get the laugh train rolling.

All right, bitch, first thing's first: You're poor. You're so motherfucking poor that you have to suck cock behind the Peking Palace and then spit the jizz into a cup and sell THAT to them to use for sauce. So you're going to have to improvise a little. Strainer? Fuck no. More than one pot/pan? Get outta here. Timer? What the hell is this, the Ritz?

So start off by filling your only pot about "meh"-full with water and putting it on the stove to boil. Now come on back to your laptop and tug your crotch to furry porn for about as long as it takes for the damn thing to start rattling. Go check it. Yeah, it's not boiling, is it? Hell no, the pot was rattling because your stove is uneven and shit rattles around. You want it to boil faster? Well, see that pan over there? Fucking cover your pot. You're welcome.

Come back to your laptop to find that the fun part's over, so out of boredom go back to your water. Good Lord, it's boiling like a sonofabitch now that you covered it. Take the pan off and dump the spaghetti into it. Shit, the noodles are sticking halfway up out of the pot? Well, get used to it, you're poor.

Time to set the timer - oh shit, dude, you don't HAVE a timer! So set your alarm clock to 8 minutes from now. You want those noodles al-fucking-dente. Just because you're poor doesn't mean you can't be a classy motherfucker.

Now, that pan that your worthless ass used as a lid? Take it and fill it to about "meh" level with water (no, not the same 'meh' you used in the pot, dipshit. Get with it). Take your cheap-ass sausage out of the fridge door and use your knife...oh, shit, no knife? Well, those scissors that are over in the cup with the pencils? Oh fuck yes.

Scissor that bitch! But wait, without a cutting board, what are you going to do? I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to cut it up over a GROCERY SACK that you've laid flat on the counter and then dump from that sack into the 'meh'-full pan. Brown it. Brown the fuck out of it.

All you need is a spatula, right? Ha! Fuck no. You're going to use a normal, everyday fucking fork to brown them. Hope you like your wrists and hands covered in tiny, stinging burns. In fact, it'll help to yell and curse at the sausage as it browns and burns your pathetic self. "Yeah? That's just my hand. I've got another one, bitches. Bring it." This is about the point where it'll start hitting you in the face a couple of times. Stoic time.

Cocksucker! The alarm's going off! Get those fucking noodles off the heat and put them into something else! Oh, shit, you don't have anything else, do you? You're FUCKING POOR. Take the pot off of the stove and put the whole damn thing in the sink. What's that, ass-clown? The water's still about to 'meh' level? Well, get the strainer.

Ha! That's a joke. Your minimum-wage self can't afford a strainer. Just dump the water in the sink, and pick the noodles out of the drain. It's all good; you've eaten worse when you went dumpster-diving.


Those fucking sausages are done! Turn off the heat. Now, if only you had a bowl to put them in. But you don't, do you? Damn right you don't, you're motherfucking poor! Like the dipshit you are, grab the pan and walk around looking for something to put the sausage in. Walk right under the smoke detector with that steaming meat pile. Hear that beeping? Fuck yeah, you just woke up the neighbors. Better drop the sausage in the sink and scramble onto your table and mash that button like nobody's business.

Back to the original problem. Oh, look at that. The glass of milk you had earlier. Dump it out, rinse the cup, and put the sausage in there. Yeah. Whatever. Now take your noodles, and dump them into the motherfucking bowl that you forgot you had until this moment. Fuck yeah, we've freed up a pot.

Noodles are done, meat's done. Time for the sauce. "Oh, snap, I bought mushrooms for this!" Well, take a handful of them, and just rip them apart with your filthy hands. (Yes, they are. I know where they've been, you wanker.) Throw them into the pot, filling it to about 'meh' level. Now the sauce. Take the jar of cheap-ass tomato paste that your poor self could afford, turn it upside-down, and empty it onto the mushrooms. Put it on the left front burner since you just don't give a shit, motherfucker, and that's how you roll.

When the sauce starts bubbling like the tar pit you lost your mother in, and getting all over your stove and fridge and bare chest (the true man wanders about in his underwear), separate it from the heat and get the fuck out of there. When it stops shitting things up in your kitchen, spoon some of it onto your spaghetti bowl. Dump the cayenne pepper sauce in (about two 'meh's should be good) before you do that (ha, you already did, didn't you? Sucks to be you!) and eat.

What? Clean up? Oh, fuck you. That smoke detector's gone off three damn times. Visibility in this dump is down. And the furry porn just finished buffering. Fuck cleanup.

This has been Poor Man's Kitchen. Get the fuck out, now. 

© Rubber Ducky 2010