I don't know where it officially started, but these "25 random/honest/ quirky/bullshit things about me" notes have been spreading like a wildfire in Southern California. (I secretly enjoy watching all the pampered jerk-offs cry big, blue tears over their incredibly over-priced houses.) I first saw one from someone here in Virginia, and then I saw one from a friend in Alabama. Yesterday I saw *Dylan's note, indicating that the plague has reached the heartland. It's a Goddamned epidemic, and if I don't do something to stop it, it could pose a serious risk to our National Security. So, I'm going to voluntarily infect myself and produce such a kick-ass note that no one will ever write one again.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
1) My sense of humor is somewhat darker than the average Joe's. For example, I think the new Friday the 13th was Hi-fucking-larious. I thought the same thing of the new Rambo movie, too. And Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, Flags of Our Fathers, etc. There's just something about seeing blood, guts, and body parts fly through the air that gives my funny bone a tickle.
2) Contrary to popular belief, I HATE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING. I would love nothing more than to sleep for 12 hours every night. But, alas, I are sailor. Protect and serve, dick-weed.
3) The count-down in my status has nothing to do with the end of the world. I'm serious. You can stop speculating. Like now. Immediately. Knock it off.
4) I don't have a personality. And if I did, it would need it's own category.
5) For some reason, I've been equated with Chuck Norris. This is insulting to both myself and Mr. Norris. Firstly, it assumes that we are somehow equal when, in reality, we all know that I'm about 12,000 times more awesomer. Secondly, it assumes that I actually give a shit. And thirdly, I'm just too lazy to come up with a third reason, so fuck you.
6) I am unable to control the heat in my room due to the installation of a plexiglass lock-box over my thermostat. So, it's about 50 degrees out, and it's about 80 in my room. Feels like the fucking tropics. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over?
7) I haven't cried in over 10 years. Why? Because the last time I cried was also the last day I saw my father. Coincidence?*
8) I can go as long as 2 months without doing laundry. Three months, though, and people begin to notice.
9) I have recurring nightmares about questions I miss on Imagery Exams. I'll wake up covered in a cold sweat, screaming something like, "It was a freight yard!"
10) I don't suffer injuries. Injuries suffer me. My statistics stand at:
2,054 bullet wounds
8,391 stab wounds
11,407 shrapnel wounds
46,988 broken bones
90,423 torn tendons
150,208 pulled muscles AND...
one broken heart
11) I sold my soul to the Devil for a weapon with unlimited ammunition. I am now the proud owner of a steak-knife and an eternal contract with the Prince of Darkness.
12) I often make cryptic references to things like "Jericho" and the "Glorious Revolution" without explaining what those are. The truth? You'd never believe me.
13) I prefer the live recordings of AC/DC songs over the studio recordings. Load up your fucking cannons.
14) The cake is a lie.
15) I miss being a lifeguard. I got to take your tax money AND slack off. I'm lucky if I get to sleep past Oh-600 now. What's the "O" stand for? Oh my God is it early. (Remember that I'm an hour ahead of most of you, so I'm up TWO hours before you shit-heads.)
16) My iTunes playlist has a shit-ton of Billy Joel, Johnny Cash, and Elvis. And the soundtracks from all the Pirates movies... and Halo 3... but not Star Wars**. Odd, no?
17) I used to eat at the galley everyday. Until I found and killed a cockroach on my table... twice... in the same meal. No more galley for me.
18) My favorite class of all time was Calculus. So what did I do? I chose a job that has nothing to do with math. Yeah, I'm a fucking genius.
19) I haven't touched a drum set in seven months. And, no, Rock Band doesn't count. On a related note, I have a Fender Stratocaster that I don't know how to play in my locker. I don't even have a pick, much less an amp. That's just jacked up.
20) I think the Light Brothers polo shirts are cute.
21) I had to leave Kansas and catch shit for where I grew up before I finally realized exactly how bad-ass the state of Kansas truly is. Ad Astra per Aspera, dick-stains.
22) Public education is a scam. And a conspiracy. And a load of bull shit.
23) They don't pay me nearly enough to put up with you civilian ass-holes. Or, should I say, YOU don't pay me nearly enough to put up with you dick-heads.
24) I swear to God if *Johnson and *Smith don't SHUT THE FUCK UP... I can't be held responsible for what might happen.
And, finally...
25) I r the mastr cheif
lolololllololooololololololololololollololololololololololololollllolooolololololoololololololololololololloolololollol
So, that's my 25. Yippie-ki-yay, motherfuckers.
*Probably.
**UPDATE 23MAR09: I purchased all the Star Wars soundtracks today.
© 2009 by SGT Pepper